the catcher in the rye e pressão.

Pode conter spoilers.

Não sei se eu realmente deveria escrever aqui hoje porque tô bem meh e talvez acabe piorando do que ajudando. Os últimos dias foram bem hard pra mim, e talvez agora eu esteja tentando me anestesiar mas sabendo que o motivo da dor ainda tá lá, rodando em segundo plano. Finalmente acabei o The catcher in the rye, que ficou surpreendentemente bom nos últimos capítulos. Estou satisfeita por ter acabado depois de tanto tempo, mas simultaneamente me sinto uma farsa por não ter lido por vontade própria desde o início, digo, sem ficar com aquela sensação de preciso ler mais, não tô lendo tanto quanto antes, vou ler pelo menos um capítulo por dia… Isso tá sendo bem bosta pra mim, porque muita coisa me parece estar sendo feita assim. Não relaxo e quando vou fazer faço como se fosse obrigação. Perdi a leveza de estar com a mente livre, bater a vontade de fazer algo e só ir. Pra achar esse estado de espírito de novo é dose, me parece impossível. Minha cabeça dói feito o diabo, todo dia.

Enfim, me lembrei porque gostei do livro da primeira vez que li há não sei quantos anos, mas acho que não o considero mais um dos meus favoritos. Deixo aqui um super quote em um dos diálogos que não lembrava que existia nesse livro, e aliás a cabeça confusa do Holden sobre não ter ideia do que fazer e ser extremamente crítico e se sentir depressivo com as coisas e tudo mais, acredito que me sinto como ele.

[…]This fall I think you’re riding for – it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn’t permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement’s designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn’t supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn’t supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started[…] I don’t want to scare you, but I can very clearly see you dying nobly, one way or another, for some highly unworthy cause. If I write something down for you, will you read it carefully? And keep it? “The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.”[…] I think that one of these days, you’re going to have to find out where you want to go. And then you’ve got to start going there. But immediately. You can’t afford to lose a minute. Not you. And I hate to tell you, but I think that once you have a fair idea where you want to go, your first move will be to apply yourself in school. You’ll have to. You’re a student – whether the idea appeals to you or not. You’re in love with knowledge[…] you’re going to start getting closer and closer – that is, if you want to, and if you look for it and wait for it – to the kind of information that will be very, very dear to your heart. Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and estimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them – if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry. I’m not trying to tell you that only educated and scholarly men are able to contribute something valuable to the world. It’s not so. But I do say that educated and scholarly men, if they’re brilliant and creative to begin with – which, unfortunately, is rarely the case – tend to leave infinitely more valuable records behind them than me do who are merely brilliant and creative. They tend to express themselves more clearly, and they usually have a passion for following their thoughts through to the end.[…] Something else an academic education will do for you. If you go along with it any considerable distance, it’ll begin to give you an idea what size mind you have. What it’ll fit and, maybe, what it won’t. After a while, you’ll have an idea what kind of thoughts your particular size of mind should be wearing. For one thing, it may save you an extraordinary amount of time trying on ideas that don’t suit you, aren’t becoming to you. You’ll begin to know your true measurements and dress your mind accordingly.

Eu adoro a relação dele com a irmã, e como ele se sente quando se vê no meio da merda toda, perdido, é de partir o coração. :/

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